wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
