you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
