if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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