I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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