i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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