We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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