I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
