Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
