i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
