at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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