This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
