Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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