Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
