I'm so fucking centered right now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
