Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
