apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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