Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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