Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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