So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
