why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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