You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I met the friendliest cop last night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
