Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
