how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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