guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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