i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize