his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
