Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
