I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
