The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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