i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
