i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize