i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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