If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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