Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
