My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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