I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
