That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
just tell him i said nine months
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
