sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
