Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
