I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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