You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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