I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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