Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
is wine microwaveable?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
