dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize