so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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