He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
