This is not my ceiling
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
