i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize