I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
too bad you live with your parents still
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
