I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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