Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
