i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
