somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
jump out the window naked night went bad
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