Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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