Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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