it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
