All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
