Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
