he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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