Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
