Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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